Weightless, I’m drifting through a head-space that makes me queasy. Too many thoughts, too many worries, and hopes, and dreams–too many things lost. I’m looking for a lighthouse in the middle of a storm, and there’s no sign of shore, no matter where I turn. I’m drowning, forever this time, and I wonder if anyone will notice my little boat’s no longer bobbing along the horizon, constantly looking for Hope somewhere out there in the vast blue.
A hand on my shoulder, and I jolt out of my thoughts, peeking up into a pair of kind eyes, crinkled at the corners with a smile. No words are needed as the fingers find mine, slide together in a perfect fit, and squeeze enough to remind me that he’s there.
I breathe him in, subtly at first, but forgo decorum for hiding my face in his shoulder, my arms around his neck as I try not to cry for what’s probably the fifth time that day. He strokes my hair, cracks dumb jokes, tells me that everything is going to be okay.
It’s the sweetest lie I know, and I love that he can tell me so.
Empty is this shell, the painted face of a girl who’s so tired she barely manages to smile anymore, let alone live life the way she did before–everything’s different now, she’s drifting, weightless, in a sea she didn’t choose herself, and it’s scary out there in the storm.
A whisper pressed to the shell of my ear–“it’s all okay, love, I’m still right here“–I breathe him in, breathe him out, try to remember what all this stupid crying was about. He goes on to say that it’s still early, we can take the day, spend it together the way we used to dream about, cause now…
Right. Empty. That’s why I’m so sad. So full of feelings I hadn’t planned. So full I’m overflowing, and yet empty still, a complete contradiction, empty in ways that he can’t fill. No one can, that’s the problem, I’m looking for people to put pieces back inside me again, but no one can do it–not family, lovers, or friends–so I’m left feeling empty, alone, scared and at sea with no sight of shore; just this little sail boat and me.
A kiss to my forehead, a whisper of hope, a glimmer of the promises we made way back when. I peek up into kind eyes crinkled by a smile, wonder why I still don’t get it, after all this while.
There’s only one person who can save me, fix me, fill me up. He’s my rock in the storm, my ever-flowing cup. The God I believe in has given me things, more precious than diamonds, more beautiful than golden rings–he’s given me people to keep me sane while I weather the storm, people to help me, hold me, keep my heart warm. His truth is what I need right now, I need to trust in Him to get me through, even if I never understand how.
“Hey, how do you feel?”
“Empty.” I whisper. “But I know it’s not real.”
Song of the Day: Empty by David Quinn