Breaking Bones {Breakdown of a Breakdown}

There’s a spike in my pulse at first

The room starts to spin, I get lightheaded, and suddenly I realize my heart is pounding. I take deep breaths and put two fingers to my neck, just to be sure. It thrums out a tango against my fingers and I take some more deep breaths to calm it. It doesn’t work.

I count to ten, out loud, breathe, do it again.

I start to pace, working out the sudden shaking in my knees with exercise, and I shake my hands by the wrists to hide the shaking they’re doing all on their own. Suddenly the bottom drops out of my stomach and I feel like I’m going to vomit. A tingling sort of white noise creeps up my spine into my ears and I have trouble hearing. My chest gets tight and my ears start to ring.

Anxiety and panic set in

I count to ten, out loud, breathe, do it again.

Self-Destruct Mode activates and I start to bite the insides of my mouth to keep myself ground in reality. I check the sides of my vision for spots because I’ve passed out twice now and I’d prefer to keep that number the same. I start to shake my hands again, this time breathing in through my nose, out through my mouth.

Knees still shaking, feet going numb, I start to pull at my fingers and wish I could break them like twigs. Pain focuses me, keeps me present, keeps me from feeling anything else–all the other things I can’t process get swallowed up in the pain.

I count to ten, out loud, breathe, do it again.

I check my pulse a second time, no change, and feel tears start to rim my eyes. I tip my head back and grind my teeth together. I fight back emotions I can’t name with all my might, and hit myself in the leg to keep my mind from drifting, to keep myself from getting lost in the wash of nameless darkness trying to swallow me.

I count to ten, out loud, breathe, do it again.

I dig my fingers into my skin as far as they go, start to pull at my skin in an attempt to clear my head of the panic and give it something familiar to process. I slap myself across the face and finally–finally–I start to calm down.

I count to ten, out loud, breathe, do it again.

I check my pulse a third time, slight change. I get a drink of water and chalk it up as a victory. I hide in a corner where no one can see me shaking and I try to pretend I’m alright for another few hours while my heart calms down and my panic subsides. By the end of the night, I’ll be alright.

I count to ten, out loud, breathe, do it again.

 

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One thought on “Breaking Bones {Breakdown of a Breakdown}

  1. I know the feeling, very well written could honestly live your text. 👌
    If you really suffer social anxiety, try watching Leo Gura’s video’s, helped me a lot.
    P.s check out my blog when you have time obviously 🙊

    Liked by 1 person

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