Comorbidity

A recording from the Counseling Files of the Military Department of Research in reference to the beginnings of the Comorbid Conditioning project, and its volunteers.

This recording is from the first interview of Subject 0015: Felicity Freeman

Subject is currently on Suicide Watch.

“A lot of people tend to give depression a stereotype. But, it’s not an emotion; it’s a way of life. It takes over everything; you find it all over the place, like dust that you can’t clean off. It clogs up everything, makes it all fuzzy and uncomfortable. All my life, I’ve struggled with cleaning away that dust.

Six months ago, I woke up, no idea where I was, strapped to a hospital bed, all alone. I was in a ‘Harm Prevention Ward’, so full of drugs I was unable to speak. Harm Prevention; that’s what they called it. It meant that we had tried to harm ourselves, and our families had dumped us there to be cleaned up.

There were ten of us in the ward, just ten lost souls in a fishbowl. We bonded over our pain, over our continued existence. We started to share stories, and every night we would pull the beds around the window and watch the stars, wishing on all of them that we would be alright.

The night the meteor could be seen in the sky, we thought it was a sign: we thought it symbolized hope. We promised each other that we would all be better. We would all fight. We made a wish on that meteor, and we planned to keep that promise to each other.

Two days later, they let us out. Four days after that, two of the ten were already dead. Road accidents: drunk drivers. One hit in a car, one on the sidewalk. We mourned. We moved on. The next day, the meteor actually landed. It never hit the city, but the shock-wave was enough to collapse one of their houses. Killed three more. We mourned. We moved on.

Depression isn’t an emotion; it’s a way of life. I’m tired of living that way. I want to keep that promise that we made; we all do. So, here I am. It’s been… Six months, two weeks, and three days since I last tried to take my life. I understand the risks involved with this project, and I accept them. I won’t live tied down anymore. I’ll be like that star: shining with hope for those of us that are left.”

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